This Holding
One night, I dreamt of a figure of light that simply brought me into itself… The love that emanated from this place was barely quantifiable in human terms…It was every hug, every much-needed weep, every longed-for reunion happening all at once. It was high tide in the heart. Everything I ever loved was in this holding. – Liturgies of the Wild by Martin Shaw
I was born blue. After 24 hours of grueling labor, my mother gave birth to her first baby. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck.
It may sound ridiculous, but over the years, it occurred to me that being strangled as I entered the world left an indelible sense of urgency, a fixed posture of determination, and, at times, a sensation of being silenced… like something was blocking my brain from moving thoughts into audible, sensible words.
Fast forward. I was in church in Amarillo, Texas, on a crisp, breezy Sunday morning (oh, the feisty high plains wind!). Our family was facing immense challenges in raising daughters with unique needs. After the service, a lady approached and asked how I was doing. It’s the question most ask without expecting an honest reply, but I attempted to answer with vulnerability anyway.
I probably intended to keep it simple… I need prayer, or I’m overwhelmed. Instead, I bumbled on with shallow breath and appeared a little panicked. The lady suddenly drew me into a warm, but firm embrace and spoke tenderly…
Let me carry some of that for you.
She squeezed me tight. I took a deep breath. And the burden was lighter. An exchange, of sorts, had taken place.
She didn’t share a Bible verse or offer a bless-your-heart. There was no bypassing the pain, nor fixing it. Just a willingness to join me in carrying it.
You may have heard therapists speak of “holding space” for clients. The image of a counselor sitting quietly while a client safely shares her story may come to mind. But that image is far too simple, too polished.
Though therapists are unlikely to offer a physical embrace due to professional boundaries, we are trained (ideally) to attune our bodies, nervous systems, minds, and (for Christians) our Spirit to our clients’.
A therapist worth her salt has developed the capacity to hold your pain with you, sync her nervous system with yours, and share her (hopefully) regulated nervous system with you while continuing to somatically, cognitively, clinically, and spiritually assess your story, your body, your needs, her own inner world, and the space between you and her… all while remaining present—not rushed, not anxious, not planning the next move or word—fully present in the holding.
A relatively unseen experience is unfolding. What the client shares changes some part of the counselor, for better or worse. How the counselor attends to the client shapes the sacred moment and changes some part of the client (hopefully for the better!). We walk out of the room subtly or radically changed people. (Iain McGilchrist, a polymath and author of The Master and His Emissary, tackles this power of attending with comprehensive veracity.)
For such intangible work, it can get messy! We are co-creators of that space and time, stumbling our way through uncharted waters, navigating the dark as we search for more light, joy, depth, hope, freedom… the shore. We may hit an iceberg, come up on a storm, gaze at the stars, feel a little seasick, launch a cannon, doggy paddle to a lifeboat, or throw down some pirates… but we are in it together.
The counselor is not simply quietly listening. The therapist is attending and attuning to you with her whole being. You are being held—supported, witnessed, understood, protected, believed, challenged, resourced, empowered…joined. There is a battle for your wellness being waged on your behalf in this holding.
Diane Fosha, developer of a therapeutic modality called Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), suggests that trauma is “caused by experiencing overwhelming emotions in the face of unwanted, utter loneliness” (Hendel, 2022). Raise your hands, lonely caregivers, if that description resonates with you.
Maybe, right now, you feel a tightness around your throat, a pressure pushing your thoughts down. Your body shrinks inward as it whispers, don’t let it come up! You won’t survive this wave! You worry that you’ll come to therapy with no idea where to begin, utterly speechless, as you feel right now, without a way forward… as if there is nothing in this world that could possibly render you safe now. You are scared you will fall apart… feel impossibly foolish, ashamed, powerless, unable to even think of change because you are exhausted with all this adapting!
But what if…
What if…
What if what you need most can only be found in this holding?
References
Hendel, H. J. (2022, July 18). Approaching mental health care with a trauma-informed perspective | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. Nami.Org. https://www.nami.org/blog/approaching-mental-health-care-with-a-trauma-informed-perspective/
Mcgilchrist, I. (2019). The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World. Yale University Press.
Shaw, M. (2026). Liturgies of the Wild. Penguin Group.
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This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship. Always talk to your doctor or a licensed mental health professional if you have questions about a medical or mental health condition. Never ignore professional advice or delay getting help because of something you read here.
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